That summer night in Rome, June 2019
You can read the original Vietnamese version here.
In my third year of university, for the first time, my thirst for studying abroad awakened, after 21 years of believing that it would forever remain just a dream. With that sudden thirst, my older sister poured a whole bucket of cold water over my head: “Where are Mom and Dad supposed to get the money from? You haven't even figured things out here yet and now you want to go study abroad?”
By my fourth year, that thirst came back. This time, I was more aware of what I wanted and what I needed to prepare, so I quietly arranged everything first before presenting it to my family. When I asked my mom for her opinion, the first thing she said was: “If you study like that, are you not planning to get married later?” My mom always worried far ahead, but luckily this time there wasn't another bucket of cold water thrown at me. The whole family became busy packing and preparing together for my “journey into the world”.
“If you study like that, are you not planning to get married later?”
- My Mom -
Back then, the reason I wanted, no, needed to study abroad was actually quite simple. I felt like there were still too many things in this world to understand, so why should I limit myself to only four years of university here? It all started from Mrs. Hong's “History of World Civilization” classes. She would passionately tell mysterious religious stories, “Abraham, follow me”, or compare Eastern and Western civilizations, “Western skies are always bright blue and crystal clear, while Eastern skies always carry a mysterious and vague color...” and I would sit there completely absorbed, not wanting the class to end.
The Story of Art by E.H. Gombrich, the most precious book on my humble bookshelf
“Western skies are always bright blue and crystal clear, while Eastern skies always carry a mysterious and vague color...”
- Mrs. Hong, History of World Civilization class -
After every story, she would mention the title of a book and tell us to read it if we wanted to understand more. The problem was, I was famously lazy when it came to reading books. But I longed to know more about those stories, and above all, I wanted to become someone knowledgeable enough to sit and talk endlessly with anyone in the world about fascinating things like that. We get to choose the things we absorb, so why not choose the most beautiful and refined things? And for me, the only way to do that was to step out into the world and experience it myself.
We get to choose the things we absorb, so why not choose the most beautiful and refined things?
At that time, I still couldn't imagine how vast the world really was. I simply thought Vietnam was small and insignificant, while everything out there in the world was huge and extraordinary.
Abracadabra! Suddenly I found myself right in the middle of old England.
Oxford, Feb 2019
For the first half year there, everything still felt magical. Clean streets, no dust, no traffic jams, public transportation that was honestly impossible to complain about. People were incredibly friendly and elegant, one “thank you”, two “sorry” all day and all night. Making money wasn't too difficult either. There was a period when I worked four part-time jobs at the same time while still attending all my classes.
“Living here is so nice, I don't even miss home.”
The only thing was the unpredictable weather, but even that didn't seem like much of a problem, until I flew to another continent, another world.
Abracadabra! Suddenly I found myself in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
The sunset was falling beautifully, my feet sinking into sand as soft as cotton. Then suddenly I realized that I didn't miss that “perfect” England at all. Instead, I missed Vietnam. I wanted to go home.
In that moment, standing in a place where there was nothing but sun, sand, and wind, I thought, ah, maybe there are actually two worlds in life: the material world and the inner world.
Right there, in a place where material things seemed not to exist at all, I found myself wanting nothing material. Instead, I found my own inner world, and a desire to understand it.
Sahara Desert, Morocco, April 2019
Like a child being born for the second time, that night I let my soul drift along with the sand and acted entirely on instinct. It was the first time I felt that animalistic part within me.
And of course, I had an “allergic reaction” immediately after that.
I don't know if it was depression like people call it, but every beautiful view in front of me felt empty, every delicious meal became something I only ate to satisfy hunger, I didn't want to do anything. I would just sit there watching sunsets pass by while my mind wandered.
“Why do people have to work every day? Why do we need money, houses, cars, social status?
Why am I in this beautiful thousand-and-one-night land of Morocco and I don't even feel like exploring anymore?”
Abracadabra! suddenly I found myself at Marrakesh airport, walking toward a plane back to England, back to the real material world.
At that moment I only wished it was a plane taking me back to the place where I was born.
It makes sense, doesn't it?
When people feel lost and disconnected, all they want is to go home.
Luckily though, I was born somewhat strong, at least when it truly mattered.
I started learning how to balance between the two worlds, forcing myself back into the rhythm of society, fulfilling all my responsibilities while slowly untangling my own mind at the same time.
Somewhere in Morocco
When people feel lost and disconnected, all they want is to go home.
Abracadabra! Suddenly I found myself in the middle of legendary Rome on a cool summer night.
The moon that night was glowing brightly. Trevi Fountain, the old city of Rome, and the Colosseum looked enchanting and surreal in a way that I was certain the crowds of tourists during the day would never get to witness.
I asked the guy holding me tightly from behind:
“Do you think these ruins will stay here forever?”
“I don't think so. Every material civilization eventually fades away. Only the stories being told will continue living in people's minds.”
That was the first time I didn't feel lonely in my inner world.
"Every material civilization eventually fades away. Only the stories being told will continue living in people's minds."
Abracadabra! Suddenly I found myself walking alone on an empty road leading to a hill across the river in the old town of Toledo, Spain.
It was 5 PM and my goal was to catch the sunset from what was said to be the best viewpoint in the city. The sky kept getting darker, and there were still more than 40 minutes of walking left, but I kept going anyway.
En route to the best sunset spot in Toledo, Sep 2019
When I finally got there, there was no sun left at all, only a few soft traces of sunset colors and tiny sparkling lights slowly lighting up from the old city below.
I thought it was unbelievably beautiful and felt ridiculously happy. I just kept sitting there staring at it until there wasn't a single bit of natural light left.
One of the most beautiful sunsets in my life
Then suddenly I panicked and realized it was almost 8:30 PM and I hadn't even thought about how I was supposed to get back home, which was more than an hour away by bus.
There weren't many people around anymore either.
Then out of nowhere, a red double-decker bus appeared. The driver quickly got off to smoke a cigarette, while I immediately jumped onto the bus and ran straight to the open top deck as if nothing had happened.
That magical "Pumpkin Carriage" taking me back safe & sound
That City Tour bus somehow brought me to the last coach of the day back to my beloved Madrid.
On that road back home, I gave myself the simplest happiness, the fullest sense of satisfaction, and the most joyful laughter.
I realized that no matter how vast or dangerous this world might be, I wasn't afraid anymore, because if I truly wanted something badly enough, if I longed for something enough, the universe would somehow help me reach it.
If I truly wanted something badly enough, if I longed for something enough, the universe would somehow help me reach it.
Abracadabra! Suddenly I found myself sitting alone waiting for the bus taking me to London airport to fly home. This time, really home.
There was still one person I desperately wanted to see, because this could have been the last time I would ever see or touch that person in my life.
But that person never showed up.
While it felt like my whole world was collapsing in front of me, the final message arrived:
“I'm not going to say goodbye. I never say that. Who knows. Life is long, and the world is not that big.”
Ah.
Turns out the world out there is only as vast as the world within us.
